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How do you get an Irishman on the roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house.
An Irishman is not drunk until he can’t move.
What do you call an Irishman who keeps bouncing off of walls?
Answer: Rick O’ Shea!
Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks “Have you worked with chemicals before?” “Yes!” Paddy replies. The manager asks, “Can you tell me what nitrate is?” Paddy replies, “I’m hoping it’s going to be time and a half.”
Lassi says “Paddy, we’ve been married a long time. You’re good lookin’ and I think you’ve slept with alotta women. I won’t be mad, but I would like to know how many if any. Paddy says, “My lovely Lass, you should know I never slept with anyone but you my Darlin’. All the rest, I was awake.”
An Irish Toast: May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.
The Doctor was puzzled “I’m very sorry, Mr O’Flaherty, but I can’t diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink.”
“Don’t worry about it, Dr Cullen, I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
And one more….Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man “Don’t jump! Think of your father” Man replies “Haven’t got a father; I’m going to jump.” The cop goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says “haven’t got one; going to jump.” Desperate the cop yells up “Don’t jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin” Man replies “Who is that?” Cop yells “Jump, Protestant! You’re blocking traffic!”
HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!